Grips Nice
What do you think of this poem? How do you think it could be improved? Please be nice.?
Theres much to do
and very little time
All the stress
Makes you want to cry
But you dont have time
To shead a tear
Rushing to work
And saying your prayers.
Overloaded
Losing your mind
Trying to grip reality.
So just go on
In your daily pattern
Until you die so sadly.
Mom and dad worked so hard
to provide a living.
By 25 they had gray hair
but they never had time
to shead a tear
As they rushed to work
and said their prayers.
Overloaded
Losing your mind
Trying to grip reality.
So just go on
In your daily pattern
Until you die so sadly.
Walking in footsteps
Left behind
By the generations before you.
Trying to better yourself
Each and every day
By becoming overloaded.
one thing I like is that you don’t have a hokey rhyming scheme throughout. it makes the poem read more naturally. I don’t like the phrase ‘until you die so sadly’. The ‘sadly’ part sounds forced and artificial to me, maybe a different word or maybe just ‘sad’. I also don’t like the phrase “Trying to grip reality.” it sounds a little too hokey to me. Also, in the opening bit I don’t like “all the stress makes you want to cry”. stress is just kinda a vague thing there, I need something more specific to hang my hat on, and the crying part takes me out of it and makes me think that it’s just going to be pure confessional poetry to come.
I like how the poem ends, thhe last 6 lines are well done. I like the bit about being overloaded, losing your mind, so just go on in your daily pattern. and I like what you have to say. The ideas expressed are great. I like the repititiveness of it as well. kind of droning/chanting effect is cool.
Inside The Studio #9: The Secret To Keeping Your Grips New
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